Raising Kids Intentionally: Guiding Principles for Modern Parents

Cultivating Values and Principles

Raising kids today is about more than just keeping them safe and happy. It’s about intentionally instilling values and principles that will guide them through life. This means being proactive about what you want your family culture to be. Setting clear values and principles early on helps your kids play out those values and principles themselves. Without intentional parenting, your kids could be shaped by external influences you might not agree with, like friends, media, or general societal trends.

It’s critical to own your family's culture. Think about what qualities you want your kids to embody as they grow. You want these qualities to be virtuous and honorable. This is not just about being a good worker, but also being a good citizen. The focus should be on making sure that the core values you believe in are front and center in your parenting approach.

Imagine a young boy growing up today. If left to just absorb what the world throws at him, he might gravitate towards instant gratification, entitlement, and superficial friendships. Your role as a parent is to provide a robust counter-narrative—a set of guiding principles that will steer him towards long-term well-being, resilience, and virtue.

Combatting Damaging Cultural Ideas

Several damaging cultural ideas can sneak into your child's mindset. Here are six that I heard recently from Rabbi Daniel Lapin's podcast that require active and intentional effort to undo:

1. Follow your heart, not your head: This popular idea can lead to impulsive decisions. Teach your children to balance emotion with thoughtful decision-making. Emphasize thinking things through and considering long-term consequences over immediate feelings.
2. Entitlement mentality: Combat this by teaching gratitude and the importance of earning what they have. Show them that rewards come through effort and hard work, rather than expecting things to be handed to them on a silver platter.
3. Excuses over performance: Emphasize responsibility and the fulfillment of duties without excuses. Teach them that accountability is a virtue and making excuses only hampers their growth.
4. Desire to make money as wrong: Frame the pursuit of financial security as part of broader goals and ethics. Money in itself isn’t bad; it’s the love of money that can lead astray. Explain the value of financial independence and using money as a tool for good.
5. Friends over family: Instill the value of family loyalty and the importance of spending quality time together. Make sure your kids understand that while friends are important, family is forever.
6. Credentials over competence: Focus on developing skills and competence, not just collecting degrees or certificates. The real world rewards problem-solvers and critical thinkers, not just people with impressive resumes.

These damaging ideas can shape how young children view the world. The notion of “follow your heart” is especially pervasive, suggesting that emotions should drive decisions rather than careful thought. But using your head and being thoughtful often lead to very different outcomes than acting on feelings alone. Teach them that their hearts are precious but can be misleading. Encourage them to use their heads to navigate life’s complexities.

Building Responsibility and Competency

Responsibility is a key principle in helping children transform into competent adults. Assigning your kids responsibilities early teaches them to be accountable. Simple tasks like mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage can build a sense of competence and confidence. When kids are competent in their duties, they carry that confidence into other areas of life.

Responsibility and competence go hand in hand. When children are responsible for something, and they do it well, it changes who they are. It makes them more confident and competent, which is essential for their growth into responsible adults. Imagine a child who takes pride in mowing the perfect lawn or cooking a simple meal—they're gaining skills that will serve them throughout life.

Competence doesn’t just build skills,it builds character. When your child feels they’re good at something, it fosters self-reliance and boosts their self-esteem. Encourage them to excel in small, everyday tasks so these positive traits become ingrained. It’s not just about what they do but how they feel about what they do.

Generational Wisdom and Parental Intentions

Passing down generational wisdom is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your children. You’re not just raising kids, you’re raising future adults who will shape the next generation. This involves more than governing your home with rules, but helping your children visualize their future roles clearly.

Parents often focus on the immediate—like making their kids happy in the moment. But you should consider the long-term—thinking about what values and behaviors will benefit your children as adults. The real goal is to prepare them for adulthood, not just to manage them as children.

Consider the idea of “family first” deeply. Contrary to the modern narrative that emphasizes friendships over family, it’s important to build strong family bonds. Simple choices, like opting for a family movie night instead of a playdate, can fortify your family ties. When children see that family always comes first, they internalize the principle of prioritizing close-knit relationships.

Another key aspect is the balance between friends and family. While friendships are vital, it’s essential to emphasize the importance of family. Choose family activities over social outings when possible, showing your kids that family time is valuable and sacred. This doesn’t mean isolating them from their peers but rather making sure they understand the unique and irreplaceable role of family.

As parents, you’re not just guiding your children through childhood—you’re also shaping their adulthood. When you're intentional about these principles, you help your children develop into adults who can lead fulfilling, balanced lives centered around solid values.

Practical Steps for Intentional Parenting

Applying these principles takes deliberate effort. Here are some actionable steps to help you on this journey:

1. Daily Discussions: Regularly ask your kids about their day, focusing on moral lessons and thought processes. Ask questions like, "What challenges did you face today, and how did you handle them?"
2. Task Responsibility: Give them responsibilities around the house that match their age and capabilities. For younger kids, it could be something as simple as setting the table. For older kids, consider more complex tasks like helping with meal preparation or managing a small budget for household supplies.
3. Role-Playing Scenarios: Use role-playing to teach decision-making. Create hypothetical situations where they have to choose between following their heart and using their head. Discuss the potential outcomes of each choice.
4. Family Time: Prioritize family activities over social outings. Plan regular family game nights, movie nights, or day trips to create a strong family bond.
5. Value-Based Discussions: Have regular discussions about your family’s core values. Explain why certain values are important and how they can apply them in their daily lives.
6. Encourage Accountability: When they make mistakes, encourage them to own up without making excuses. Teach them that it's okay to fail but important to learn and grow from those experiences.
7. Skills Development: Focus on skills that build competence. Enroll them in activities that teach real-world skills like cooking, budgeting, or even basic car maintenance.
8. Model the Behavior: Be the example you want them to follow. Show them what it looks like to live a life of integrity, responsibility, and purpose.

Conclusion

Raising kids intentionally is about guiding them with purpose and foresight. By setting clear values, combating damaging cultural ideas, and instilling a sense of responsibility and competence, you prepare them not only for adulthood but for a life filled with purpose and resilience. Remember, your children are the future adults of this world—make sure they are well-equipped for the journey ahead.

Intentional parenting isn’t a one-time effort; it’s a continuous journey. Think of it as sowing seeds today that will blossom into virtues and strengths tomorrow. So take that step today—start being intentional about every lesson, every word, and every action. Your children—and their future generations—will thank you.